pages 1 & 2, 3 & 4




7•23•2015
     we just met a few days ago, and i use the term "met" very loosely considering i've never seen his actual face before. he could be a gremlin for all i know, but honestly it wouldn't matter if he's otherwise who he says he is. i woke up to him asking to know about my life, and my home and how it was being back in miami and no one's ever been so interested in me or where i come from. no one has ever cared this much and i honestly don't know what to do with it all. did i mention he made me a playlist? well, he did. talk about awful timing to meet prince charming.
7•24•2015
     i invited him to fall out boy. he invited me to outside lands. we're friends. he's making me another playlist and i can't stop listening to this one. we talk all night for hours and when i wake up, i look for him. what is wrong with me? can't i just be friends with a guy? i mean i know i can but god, i don't need feelings on top of feelings. get it together, tatiana.
7•26•2015
     you told him about your feelings for fitz and he didn't dip out. point one for nfn. he also didn't seem upset or bothered, so maybe it's attack of the onesided feelings once again. ho-fucking-ray.



7•27•2015
     he's cute, he's really fucking cute. and funny. and nice. and sweet. and interesting. and fuck. my. life.
7•29•2015
     fuck fuck fuck. i fucked it up. i fucked it all up. i'm so stupid. why can't i just cut this tumor out of my life and move the fuck on? why is he this black rain cloud hovering? why do i let it happen? why do i feel some sort of responsibility to make sure his weekend isn't ruined but he feels none towards me. i hate this. i hope noel doesn't hate me. f u c k ! !
7•30•2015
     good news first, he's back. we're back. it's good. he trusted me with something so big, and sometimes i think maybe there's something there. something so amazing but i can't build it up too much because i don't know if i can take someone else breaking my heart. i can't do it. i can't lose him.
8•01•2015
     something's different. not bad, just different. i think maybe he likes me and i can't even begin to wrap my head around it. i also don't know for sure. i'm hoping he does. i really, really hope he does because things are




different now. i feel so fucking free. i cried until i couldn't breathe but to quote taylor, i'm finally clean.
8•02•2015
      he's going to pick me up at the airport and i think my heart wants to leap out of my chest and do a dance. we spent all night talking on facetime until he fell asleep and i feel like i could do this forever with him. he's magic. it's like nothing ever existed before him. my pain feels like it's just subsided because it's all been replaced by butterflies and the excitement of getting to see his face at the airport. do not kiss him, tatiana. no matter how much you want to. and fuck, do i want to. i'm so mad i couldn't get the last flight out of here. he was going to meet me there, i wish i was there now.
8•03•2015
     a day spent with him and i feel like i'm floating. just a day and i knew i needed him to like me back and he does. he really does, he likes me and it feels like i've walked into a fairytale with no wicked witch, no evil stepmother, just happiness. there were kisses on eyelids, there was cuddling, there were confessions and we talked all night, and i've wanted this since that night he commented me and now it's mine. he's mine, and i'm not letting go.



8•07•2015
      san francisco is beautiful, and his parents are wonderful. i think i might be in love with everything about him, down to the way he grew up. how is this even fucking possible? i've known him for less than a month and i swear i love him. this is love. it has to be. am i just fucking insane? i think i might be. i thought i was in love with fitz but that was nothing. it feels like that was nothing. i feel like it was all just a big mistake. i feel like everything in life has just been leading to this moment with noel.
8•08•2015
      fireworks and meteors. that is all. just fireworks and fucking meteors.
8•14•2015
      we said i love you for the first time today, and nothing has ever felt more right. i love him. he loves me. we haven't even had sex yet, and i know i want to be with this man for the rest of my life. who am i? nothing has ever felt so big and bright in my life.
8•18•2015
      i... don't have words for this day. santa barbara, 10pm, room 404. magic. fireworks x meteors x 100000 x infinity. i'm so in love.